Day Three: Tripping Over My Pencil

Day 3... wow, what commitment!
Although it's late and I'm heading to bed soon, I've thought of this moment all day. I've come up with various scenarios as to what I expect to come out of this 30 day journey (see "A Christmas Story").

30 days.
On one hand, it's nothing. On the other hand, I've done so little writing over the last three years that 30 days of writing is such a marked improvement. So, what on earth am I going to come up with to write about for another 28 (almost 27!) days? Is it possible to write for a solid month about not writing?
I know I'm not the only one out there with pages tucked away still hoping to "be a writer" someday.

I think it was... 12 years ago - me and the family were all geared up to head to Cambridge to meet Orson Scott Card (he had just written a book about writing characters and some other more popular novel). But I got sick. I begged my husband, Michael, to take my book to get it signed for me anyway.
Michael took the book and the kids and told Orson Scott Card I wanted to be a writer.

Card told him, "She all ready is a writer."

I thought that was amazing for him to say, but I wanted someone to buy my writing - then I'd be a real writer. I wrote for a couple of local newspapers and I still didn't see myself as a writer. I got my MA in Writing - and - you got it - I still don't think I'm real. If I'm not a real writer, then why keep writing?
Because if I don't, it drives me nuts - so here I am - writing a blog about writing and not writing.
I spent much of my academic career doing the same thing.

Maybe what I really need is for someone to pay me to not be a writer... maybe then I'd feel like a writer. Maybe then I'd be able to stand up to myself and say, "I am a writer. I can do this!"
Nah, that's too easy.
I'd hate to succeed.

Day Two (ish)

Well, here I am for day two - even if it is technically after midnight. I crawled into bed before I remembered...
Success nonetheless.
Last night after posting, I wanted to yank the post back. I worried about the pressure I put on myself and immediately wanted out.
Although I have feigned my own death back in my heavy chat days, I will try to continue to push through without "offing" myself just to avoid writing. I mean, no promises, but it would be tougher to pull off these days.
I seem to be falling asleep, so I will cut this short for tonight.
Xx Sara Xx knowing you're stalking me makes this journey more special!

Day One: The Violent Dance with Words

Through the years, I've written more about not writing than about almost anything else. I've spent hours thinking about writing and avoiding writing.
When my friend, Sara, texted me back in November 2011, "I'm a blogger!" I remembered that I had also started a blog... in 2009. Two blog posts and three years later...
I have successfully written almost nothing.

But - I did write this in response to my good friend's first blog entry:

I've always been a firm believer of making people's dreams come true. So today, I give Sara one of her blog dreams: A response to her first blog. I, like Sara, am a long-time procrastinator. Hence, the 2 1/2 year (now almost 3) hiatus since my last blog entry. If that's what you can even call it. I think I had written another one at some point and finally decided it was so meaningless even I didn't want to read it again and deleted it.

Also like Sara, I have a huge list of ways to avoid doing almost anything and maybe that will eventually be what I will blog about. For example - while working my BA and MA, I would clean house to avoid writing, homework, or anything required to accomplish said degrees. I've come a long way -

I am so much better at avoiding writing AND cleaning.

Which really leaves me left with stalking.

I stole the bagel and sold it on eBay for a buck.

So there! I've finally published my official response to Sara's blog: Snort Words Like a Junkie.

Now that the words are out there... or will be any moment (unless I chicken out and delete the whole thing before anyone sees a word) ...  I have an announcement to make.

(Can you hear all of the excuses rattling through my brain to keep me from writing the very thing I intended to write tonight?)

Today is March 14, 2012 and I'm going to write a blog entry every day for the next (day? week? month?) year. (Oh god - a Year?)
Yes. Every single day for 365 days.

There it is. It's out there. I said it. Well, I wrote it. I have barely put it out there and already I'm ready to yank it back. I can think of a million reasons why this will never work. I feel a little shaky, light headed, and my palms are sweating.

The doubt that fills many writers keeps me trapped in concrete, unable to break out and do the only thing I really ever wanted to do. Writing for me has been a dream, but it's more than that - better and worse.

When I'm not writing - physically putting words to a blank page - my brain constantly writes and re-writes stories. The words haunt me, taunt me, and literally drive me nuts. It's less about me choosing to be a writer than about words forcing themselves through my soul. Without escape, they twist and thrash in my head.

Even though words stalk me to a point of exhaustion, adrenaline is racing through my body as I reach up to push that little orange "Publish" button.
Am I setting myself up for failure? How can I do 365 days in a row when I haven't written two days in a row in over a year? 
I can't even bring myself to write all of the ugly things I tell myself  - all of the screaming voices telling me this is such a bad idea...

I don't expect it to be easy - I'm sure it will be ugly at times. And, let's face it, there's a good chance no one will read this but me anyway.
But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. (Can you hear the high-pitched-squeaky-panic?)

So, there it is. Day One of a 365 Day Journey in Writing.